To all those people out there who hold up signs citing their favorite Biblical verse by chapter and verse without elaboration (as though we should all know what they intend to say), here are a few of my favorites that should send the Bible thumpers scrambling to the nearest Holiday Inn so they can actually read beyond their 2 or 3 favorite cherry-picked verses they have memorized:
Genesis 12:19 God punishes the Pharaoh for taking Abraham's wife as his own; the Pharaoh realizes Abraham lied when he said his wife was his sister, confronts Abraham, telling him to take his wife and leave Egypt.
Genesis 22:2 Abraham believes god wants him to murder his own son so prepares him for slaughter, only to then believe god calls it off at the last minute.
Genesis 4:1 First sex in the Bible.
Genesis 5:8 Seth lives for 912 years
Genesis 5:3 Adam was a proud father at age 130 when he fathered Seth
Genesis 5:20 Jared lived for 962 years! Whoah!
Genesis 6:3 God shortens man's life to "only" 120 years
Genesis 6:5 After taking all the trouble to create the earth and life and everything, God said he would kill everything he had created including animals because "every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually"
Genesis 1:14 Shout out to astrology - god creates stars "for signs"
Ezekiel 20:25-26 God shows he's a badass by killing a bunch of babies, so that everyone can know how awesome he is: "I also gave them over to statutes that were not good and laws they could not live by; I let them become defiled through their gifts—the sacrifice of every firstborn—that I might fill them with horror so they would know that I am the LORD. "
Leviticus 20:9 "If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death."
Deuteronomy 22:20-1 A girl caught having premarital sex must be stoned to death by the men of the town.
Deuteronomy 22:13-21 A woman who marries and is found not to be a virgin shall be executed.
Exodus 35:2 Anyone caught working on the Sabbath should be killed (I'm looking at you, Super Bowl players, staff, and announcers!)
Deuteronomy 14:6-7 You can't eat rabbits or camel.
Leviticus 11:20-22 Insect-eating is OK except "you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper."
Psalms 104:5 The Earth is not hurtling through space but resting on a Foundation, whatever that is, and can never move. God said so.
Genesis 2:23 Adam goes to sleep and God "took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof" and made the rib into a woman.
Judges 11:35 Jephthah murders his daughter because he made a bet with god, promising he would kill the first family member to cross his threshold if god would let him slaughter his enemies on the battlefield.
Genesis 19:8 Lot offers his daughters to be gang-raped in Sodom.
Genesis 19:32-6 Lot while drunk is seduced by each of his daughters (one each night) who have sex with their father, getting pregnant by him. "Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father."
Mark 8:12 Jesus says to stop looking for signs of god's arrival - there won't be any.
Mark 8:33 Jesus calls Peter Satan.
Mark 9:43 Jesus advocates amputating your hand or plucking out your eye rather than risk going to hell whole.
Mark 10:11-12 Divorce and remarriage is the same as adultery. (Sorry, Newt) "Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery."
Leviticus 20:10 Those who commit adultery should be killed (when is General Petraeus's execution? And does this mean that those who divorce and remarry should be killed?)
James 5:14-15 Faith-healing works, doctors don't.
Genesis 6:15 Noah's house boat is only 450 feet long
Genesis 7:6 Noah was 600 years old when the flood hit.
Quran 29:14 (if you really want to confuse folks) Noah was 950 when the flood hit.
Genesis 7:19-20 "The mountains were covered" with 15 cubits to spare, meaning Noah's ark must have had oxygen and some kind of heating system and ice-breaking technology (since this would have been higher than Mount Everest, where water freezes and oxygen is thin).
Luke 14:26 If you don't hate your family, you can't really be Christian. "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple."
John 14:27 AND Matthew 10:34 (this will really confuse them) Jesus says he DID bring peace and also that he DIDN'T. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." but "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."
James 5:1 Rich people are going to hell. "Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you."
Matthew 19:23-24 Ditto. "Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
Mark 10:23-25 And again, more rich people burning.
Deutoronomy 25:11-12 No penis, no testicles, no hope of heaven. "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord."
Titus 2:9 Slaves should be submissive to their masters "in everything" and be "well-pleasing and not argumentative."
Leviticus 25:44-45 You can own slaves, but only from neighboring countries or from temporary residents in your own country.
Exodus 21:20-21 If you beat a slave to death, you have to pay the slave owner some money.
Deuteronomy 20:10-17 God wants you to commit war crimes, killing every last man, woman, child, fetus, and animal, even if they try to surrender. "When you march up to attack a city, make its people an offer of peace. If they accept and open their gates, all the people in it shall be subject to forced labor and shall work for you. If they refuse to make peace and they engage you in battle, lay siege to that city. When the Lord your God delivers it into your hand, put to the sword all the men in it. As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves. . . . This is how you are to treat all the cities that are at a distance from you and do not belong to the nations nearby. However, in the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them —the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—as the Lord your God has commanded you."
Genesis 12:19 God punishes the Pharaoh for taking Abraham's wife as his own; the Pharaoh realizes Abraham lied when he said his wife was his sister, confronts Abraham, telling him to take his wife and leave Egypt.
Genesis 22:2 Abraham believes god wants him to murder his own son so prepares him for slaughter, only to then believe god calls it off at the last minute.
Genesis 4:1 First sex in the Bible.
Genesis 5:8 Seth lives for 912 years
Genesis 5:3 Adam was a proud father at age 130 when he fathered Seth
Genesis 5:20 Jared lived for 962 years! Whoah!
Genesis 6:3 God shortens man's life to "only" 120 years
Genesis 6:5 After taking all the trouble to create the earth and life and everything, God said he would kill everything he had created including animals because "every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually"
Genesis 1:14 Shout out to astrology - god creates stars "for signs"
Ezekiel 20:25-26 God shows he's a badass by killing a bunch of babies, so that everyone can know how awesome he is: "I also gave them over to statutes that were not good and laws they could not live by; I let them become defiled through their gifts—the sacrifice of every firstborn—that I might fill them with horror so they would know that I am the LORD. "
Leviticus 20:9 "If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death."
Deuteronomy 22:20-1 A girl caught having premarital sex must be stoned to death by the men of the town.
Deuteronomy 22:13-21 A woman who marries and is found not to be a virgin shall be executed.
Exodus 35:2 Anyone caught working on the Sabbath should be killed (I'm looking at you, Super Bowl players, staff, and announcers!)
Deuteronomy 14:6-7 You can't eat rabbits or camel.
Leviticus 11:20-22 Insect-eating is OK except "you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper."
Psalms 104:5 The Earth is not hurtling through space but resting on a Foundation, whatever that is, and can never move. God said so.
Genesis 2:23 Adam goes to sleep and God "took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof" and made the rib into a woman.
Judges 11:35 Jephthah murders his daughter because he made a bet with god, promising he would kill the first family member to cross his threshold if god would let him slaughter his enemies on the battlefield.
Genesis 19:8 Lot offers his daughters to be gang-raped in Sodom.
Genesis 19:32-6 Lot while drunk is seduced by each of his daughters (one each night) who have sex with their father, getting pregnant by him. "Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father."
Mark 8:12 Jesus says to stop looking for signs of god's arrival - there won't be any.
Mark 8:33 Jesus calls Peter Satan.
Mark 9:43 Jesus advocates amputating your hand or plucking out your eye rather than risk going to hell whole.
Mark 10:11-12 Divorce and remarriage is the same as adultery. (Sorry, Newt) "Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery."
Leviticus 20:10 Those who commit adultery should be killed (when is General Petraeus's execution? And does this mean that those who divorce and remarry should be killed?)
James 5:14-15 Faith-healing works, doctors don't.
Genesis 6:15 Noah's house boat is only 450 feet long
Genesis 7:6 Noah was 600 years old when the flood hit.
Quran 29:14 (if you really want to confuse folks) Noah was 950 when the flood hit.
Genesis 7:19-20 "The mountains were covered" with 15 cubits to spare, meaning Noah's ark must have had oxygen and some kind of heating system and ice-breaking technology (since this would have been higher than Mount Everest, where water freezes and oxygen is thin).
Luke 14:26 If you don't hate your family, you can't really be Christian. "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple."
John 14:27 AND Matthew 10:34 (this will really confuse them) Jesus says he DID bring peace and also that he DIDN'T. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." but "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."
James 5:1 Rich people are going to hell. "Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you."
Matthew 19:23-24 Ditto. "Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
Mark 10:23-25 And again, more rich people burning.
Deutoronomy 25:11-12 No penis, no testicles, no hope of heaven. "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord."
Titus 2:9 Slaves should be submissive to their masters "in everything" and be "well-pleasing and not argumentative."
Leviticus 25:44-45 You can own slaves, but only from neighboring countries or from temporary residents in your own country.
Exodus 21:20-21 If you beat a slave to death, you have to pay the slave owner some money.
Deuteronomy 20:10-17 God wants you to commit war crimes, killing every last man, woman, child, fetus, and animal, even if they try to surrender. "When you march up to attack a city, make its people an offer of peace. If they accept and open their gates, all the people in it shall be subject to forced labor and shall work for you. If they refuse to make peace and they engage you in battle, lay siege to that city. When the Lord your God delivers it into your hand, put to the sword all the men in it. As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves. . . . This is how you are to treat all the cities that are at a distance from you and do not belong to the nations nearby. However, in the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them —the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—as the Lord your God has commanded you."
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