Listening to the GOP's "blame the poor" rhetoric you would certainly think so. Perhaps the Tea Party is right. Maybe Jesus was playing an enormous practical joke on all of his followers.
Some recently unearthed texts indicate that he told some of his closest disciples he considered every day as Opposite Day. So when he said that the rich have no more chance of getting into heaven than a camel through the eye of a needle, he really meant the poor (and he had a HUGE needle backstage as part of the gag that he never delivered).
When he said that "Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery" he really meant it would be OK for Newt Gingrich to cheat on wife #1, abandoning her while she is recovering from surgery, then cheat on wife #2, abandoning her while prosecuting a president for the high crime of adultery (which was neither a crime nor in the scope of the Whitewater investigation). Oh, and by the way, that Clinton guy - you're not going to believe this, but he's still married, unlike Newt who ended up marrying the woman he was cheating with. Here is the lovely couple pictured below:
When he said we should love our enemies and forgive them, he really meant we should make them endure repeated simulated drownings and hold them indefinitely in solitary confinement without any hope of confronting their accuser or even know why they are being held.
How Republicans really thought Jesus wanted us to treat our enemies? Of course, that's not really fair because we have no way of knowing if this liberated Iraqi man was in any meaningful sense our "enemy" since most of those held in detention during the American occupation of Iraq were never charged with any crime.
When he said that the last shall be first, he really meant they are losers and always will be. When he said blessed are the peacemaker, what he really meant was that he loves nothing more than someone who kills in his name, especially if they carve his words onto their ammunition.
When he told his followers who drew their swords when the Romans arrested him that he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword, it seems they forgot it was opposite day at that point or just got very scared.
We all know now that what he really meant are Blessed are the Job Creators and that if he could be remembered for anything, it would be as the Prince of Pre-Emptive War. Oh, and he was American, did you know that?
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