What Jesus Actually Taught - An Update

The following text is not attributed directly to Jesus of Nazareth, but is patched together faithfully from the extant parables and teachings attributed to him.  Were he to appear today, he no doubt would say something similar.  Fundamentalists, take note.

And Jesus said unto his followers, whom have you hated today in your heart?  Into whose face have you splashed acid?  Whose house of worship have you picketed with angry signs impugning an entire religious tradition?  Have you tortured your enemies, or asked your kings and high priests to do so, have you invaded their land and drenched those who opposed you in blood?  Have you worked hard to insure that the rich must not pay much to the poor, and that the poor, disabled, and outcast are ignored lest the least among us be enabled by a government handout?  Have you worked harder for the wealthy few than the impoverished many?  Have you attacked those who interpret my teachings differently than you do, claiming to have a unique, exclusive, god-like understanding of my parables and teachings?  Have you attacked and shamed those among you whose sexual preference is different than yours and against whom I never spoke a word?
If so, then surely, I say unto you, those of you who have done these things have violated my teachings and will not be recognized by me on the day of judgment.  Have I not told you that when you show contempt for the least among us you show contempt for me and for god?  What profit a man if he wins an election and a tax cut but loses his soul?  Have I not warned you that there will be many false prophets who speak with silver tongues and claim to represent me?  Some will have studios in their basement to broadcast their lies to all the nations, but anyone who preaches hatred of the poor or of anyone presumed to be an enemy cannot claim to be a follower of my teachings.  Woe unto those who bear false witness, who do great injustices in my name!   When I said that one should yield unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, perhaps I was not clear:  pay your taxes.  Pay them gladly, so that your left hand does not know what your right hand is giving, as I have commanded you.  When I said to love your enemy as yourself, I most certainly did not want you to torture them or hold them indefinitely without trial.   When I said that he who lives by the sword, dies by it too, I did not mean that plowshares should be melted into swords and tanks and missiles.  Do this in my name.