Bill Maher's Shocking Conversion

April 1, 2014
The only constant in this world is that it will never be constant.  Prepare to be surprised.  I was so shocked to read this article in today's New York Times that I just clipped the entire thing:

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Television

Bill Maher Makes Shocking Conversion; Negotiating With 700 Club

By BILL CARTER  APRIL 1, 2014

Photo

Bill Maher made a stunning confession to air on his next episode of the HBO series, “Real Time With Bill Maher.” Credit Janet Van Ham/HBO

Bill Maher made little effort to hide his own contempt for many religious leaders, most of them fundamental Christians.  He recently went so far as to call God a "mass murderer" and a "psychopath".    So fans and critics alike will be shocked to learn that he now considers himself a born again Christian.  

On his weekly HBO talk show, “Real Time With Bill Maher,” this Friday night, Mr. Maher plans to announce his conversion and explain his sudden turn-around.  

“I know this will disappoint many of my fans, but after receiving thousands of calls and emails asking me to recant my views of God as depicted in the Bible at the time of the flood, it hit me:  even if he is a 'mass murderer', that doesn't mean God should not be feared and worshiped.  Hell, the more God is a bad ass, the MORE reason to worship him.  And this guy knows where you live!  I consider myself a smart guy and I've got to go with Pascal on this one."  Maher was making an apparent reference to what has become known as Pascal's Dilemma, the resolution of which is to worship God just in case God exists since the penalty for failing to worship an existent god is so much greater than the penalty for worshiping a non-existent one.
Maher says that the tipping point came when Answers in Genesis President and CEO Ken Ham called on Bill Maher to repent for his sins, end his "God-hating comments" and discontinue his "present spiritual state," because he truly feared for Maher's soul.  "So why does God allow Bill Maher to continue his increasing God-hating comments? He really is tempting God. It's as if he's saying, 'Come on God, I'm saying more and more outrageous things about You-come on-come and get me!  Bill Maher is blaming God for death because he does not want to accept that he is a sinner in need of salvation. He wants to be his own god-he shakes his fist at the God who created man and also provides the gift of salvation for those who will receive it."

"That did it," Maher admitted.  "He hit the nail on the head.  I was trying to taunt God to do something, hopefully on live television, and, yeah, I've got my own show, so what's next if not being my own god?"   Maher admits he was high at the time he had his epiphany but doesn't believe that in any way diminishes its authenticity.  "Look, you've read the Bible, right?  These guys were obviously all high when they wrote this stuff.  I always though that discredited them but then it hit me - those biblical authors knew how to party.  I am sure they would have been for legalization of pot today since without some far more serious stuff than marijuana, the bible never could have been written.  So the Bible - one of the greatest works of Western literature - has to be Exhibit A for the legalization of marijuana."

Ham said he is delighted to admit sinners such as Maher back into the fold even if he does not share his view that the biblical authors must have been altered by drugs.  "We will have to clarify a few points of Scripture with him, but he's new to this business of salvation."

Maher said that he and Ham spoke extensively by phone after Maher's fourth joint and although he doesn't remember much of the conversation, he is pretty certain they talked a lot about God.  

Maher's announcement stunned many of his own staff who were hoping it is some publicity stunt.  Scott Carter, the show’s executive producer said he will offer his resignation by the end of the week if Maher is seriously going to renounce everything he has stood for all these years.  
"I don't mean to be as intolerant as the other side," Carter said in an email.  "But this is deeply embarrassing and no doubt will turn off many of the humanist and atheist viewers who tuned in to Maher for intellectual and even spiritual support."

Maher shrugged off Carter's criticisms.  "Sure, we'll lose some viewers, but we'll get the whole 700 Club audience and that is one lucrative demographic.  These chumps have already shown they are willing to part with their money for just about nothing.  Imagine what they will pay for edgy, in-your-face comedy from an atheist-turned-Bible-thumper."  Maher was referring to a deal, still in its infancy, for a joint HBO-700 Club production called Real God Time with Bill Maher and Pat Robertson.

Pat Robertson was not available for comment, but a production assistant who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the negotiations said Maher's conversion, if authentic, would be a major victory for the 700 Club and the Lord.  "We've pretty much squeezed this lemon dry," he said of his viewers.  "You can only get so much money from the trailer park demographic, know what I mean?  Maher brings a fresh new set of viewers with very deep pockets.  I haven't seen the final negotiations, but it looks as though Maher and Robertson will take a 50:50 split of all call-in donations while Robertson prays and Maher rants against liberals and all those who have not accepted Jesus as their personal savior."

Bill Maher: “How many Muslims does a black guy have to kill in one weekend before crackers climb down off his @ss?”

This was divinely succinct and funny, boiling a decade's worth of retorts to Republican spin about their failures on so many fronts to a few pithy verbal jabs.  You have to see the video because the delivery is brutally effective. 

Bill Maher: The Party of Stinkin’

BILL MAHER – THE PARTY OF STINKIN’ or GANGSTA PRESIDENT

And finally, new rule. Now that it's become clear that the Republicans, the fiscally conservative, strong on defense party are neither fiscally conservative nor strong on defense ….they have to tell us what exactly it is they're good at. Because….nanano….because it’s not defense – 9/11 happened on your watch, and you retaliated by invading the wrong country.

And you lost a 10-year game of hide and seek with Osama bin Laden.

And you’re responsible for running up most of the debt, which more than anything makes us weak.

You’re supposed to be the party with the killer instinct, when it was a Democrat who put a bomb in Gaddafi’s bedroom and a bullet in bin Laden’s eye like Moe Green.

Raising the question, “How many Muslims does a black guy have to kill in one weekend before crackers climb down off his ass?”

Let’s look at some facts. Now for you FOX News viewers feel free to turn down the sound until the flashing “FACTS” light at the bottom of the screen disappears.

When Bill Clinton left office in 2001 the Congressional Budget Office predicted that by the end of the decade we would have paid off the entire debt and have a $2 trillion surplus. Instead we have a $10.5 trillion public debt, and the difference in those two numbers is mostly because Republicans put tax cuts for the rich, free drugs for the elderly and two wars on the layaway plan and then bailed on the check. So…….so much for fiscal responsibility.

But hey, at least they still have the defense thing, right? The public still believes Republicans were tougher when it came to hunting down dark-skinned foreigners with funny sounding names. But Bush had seven years to get Osama. He didn’t. He got Wesley Snipes.

Only six months after 9/11, Bush said he didn’t spend that much time on bin Laden, that he was no longer concerned about him. Just as he wasn’t before 9/11, when he blew off that mysterious, inscrutable memo entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Attack INSIDE the U.S.” In under a year, Bush went from “who gives a shit?” to “wanted dead or alive” and back to “who gives a shit?”. Why focus on the terrorists who reduced Wall Street to rubble when you can help Wall Street reduce the whole country to rubble?

In 2008, the candidates were asked if they knew for sure that bin Laden was in Pakistan would you send our guys in without permission to get him. McCain said no, because Pakistan is a sovereign nation. Obama said yes, he’d just do it, and McCain called him “naïve”. Who’s being naïve, Cain?

And why can’t you just admit that Barack Obama is one efficient, steely nerved, multitasking, black ninja gangsta, President?

In one week he produced his birth certificate, comforted disaster victims, swung by Florida to say “hey” to Gabbie Giffords, did stand-up at the correspondents dinner, and then personally rappelled into bin Laden’s lair and put a Chinese star through his throat without waking up any of his 13 wives. That’s how it went down….I saw it on MSNBC.

Look, 30% of this country will always vote Republican. I’m just asking “why?” Yes, paranoia, greed and racism are fun, but…it’s… it’s like when you see someone driving a Mercury. You think, “did that person really wake up one day thinking ‘you know what car I want to drive?”
A Mercury Mariner “. No, no, you assume he knows someone who sells them or he was molested by a Kia dealer as a child.

And I know this all sounds like harsh truth, but Republicans are supposed to be the party of harsh truths. Like “there’s no such thing as a free lunch”.

And speaking of lunch, Obama just ate yours.


  -   transcript source